They asked me 'Are you sitting down?
Right? This is Universal Lotteries,'
they said. 'You've won the top prize,
the Ultra-super Global Special.
What would you do with a million pounds?
Or, actually, with more than a million-
not that it makes a lot of difference
once you're a millionaire.' And they laughed.

'Are you OK?' they asked - 'Still there?
Come on, now, tell us, how does it feel?'
I said, 'I just... I can't believe it!'
They said, 'That's what they all say.
What else? Go on, tell us about it.'
I said, 'I feel the top of my head
has floated off, out through the window,
revolving like a flying saucer.'

'That's unusual' they said said. 'Go on.'
I said 'I'm finding it hard to talk.
My throat's gone dry, my nose is tingling.
I think I'm going to sneeze- or cry.'
'That's right' they said, 'don't be ashamed
of giving way to your emotions.
It isn't every day you hear
You're going to get a million pounds.

Relax, now, have a little cry;
we'll give you a moment...' 'Hang on!' I said
'I haven't bought a lottery ticket
for years and years. And what did you say
the company's called?' They laughed again.
'Not to worry about a ticket.
We're Universal. We operate
a Retrospective Chances Module.

Nearly everyone's bought a ticket
in some lottery or another,
once at least. We buy up the files,
feed the names into our computer,
and see who the lucky person is.'
'Well, that 's incredible' I said.
'It's marvellous. I still can't quite...
I'll believe it when I see the cheque.'

'Oh,' they said, 'there's no cheque.'
'But the money?' 'We don't deal in money.
Experiences are what we deal in money.
Experiences are what we deal in.
You've had a great experience, right?
Exciting? Something you'll remember?
That's your prize. So congratulations
from all of us at Universal.
Have a nice day!' And the line went dead.