Go hang yourself, you old MD!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite 
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honoured system humbly holds
The super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold crusading for Democracy;
The Fuhrer of the Streptococcracy!

Bacilli swarm within my portals
such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
in some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slubber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. and Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairy coolish,
And your diagrams is fairy foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!